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In Search of the Perfect Band Name: Untitled

            The thing about it is that every great band has got to have a great name. Sure it is possible to have a good song or two without a great name; just look at U2. Bono reportedly hates the band name, and I hate hearing the same song over and over again with a different title.

            There are certain predictable questions a band member is going to have to answer over and over again at every truck stop, pit stop, radio talk, and taco stand in America. It is not like it is a mystery: where did the name come from.

            How you answer that question will likely define who you are to the audience. Consider your options:

1.                  Well, we were all really drunk one night. We were broke and scrounging through the ashtrays for smokeable cigarette butts. Then we saw it on the side of the local Stop ‘N Go: “Cheap Christmas”. We all stood and stared until the patrol car drove up.

2.                  “Twits in drag” was basically the dumbest thing we could think of.

3.                  We thought it would impress girls if we said we played in “Satan’s Tricycle”.

4.                  We all happened to be watching the same daytime soap opera in different apartments when we all heard the phrase, “You are just a washed-up hustler.” We were all washed up at the time, and “The Washed-up Hustlers” just kinda stuck. We are taking suggestions for a better name in case we ever get rid of this one.

Clearly the most important thing an aspiring musician such as myself can do is to come up with a band name so good it won’t matter what you sound like. I plan to make a significant portion of my life a quest. I am in search of the perfect band name.

The easiest, and therefore best, thing to do is to examine the past masters of the art, and cull what I can learn (read steal) from the rock gods before someone else comes up with the perfect band name.

Let’s look at some of the greats. You, of course have your classic artists like Ozzie and Cat Stevens. The former is not someone I’d like to be like in fourty years, and the latter left the fame, women, and fans behind to pursue his spiritual path. I’m much more transparent than that.

Besides, I will not be known by my name, or an assumed stage name. It implies I’m a solo artist. To wit, I’m not much of an artist, and there is not a snowball’s chance I’m going to stand up in front of more than ten people without a couple other guys to take some of the blame. Even Jimi Hendrix had a band of gypsies. I will definitely need a band name.

Metallica? Can I put –ica at the end of another object? Ironica? Garagica? Formica? No, no, and no.

Then there is AC/DC and STP. What common abbreviations can I turn into something cool? If I get big enough, fans are going to abbreviate my name anyway. I think if you go triple platinum the arbiters of rock give you the nod. Even DMB and BNL are on the list with RAtM. How about SCUBA? No, most people don’t even know it is an acronym anymore. LOL? WWF? WTF has possibilities, but then Tipper Gore will slap a naughty (parental advisory) sticker on your albums and Wal-Mart won’t touch your work. Just to prove we music has come full circle, AC/DC just announced the aforementioned Evil Empire will have exclusive distributorship on their new album.

I could have a name that describes how the band meets or communicates, like the Postal Service. The story is the band members sent each other music parts through the mail, and that is how they ended up ruling the Indie scene while members of the band broke into the mainstream as Death Cab for Cutie. This ended up causing many fans much confusion. The short version is the Postal Service is better.

So maybe we (I don’t have anyone else in the band yet, but with the right name they will come running) could combine the abbreviation with computer chat all call ourselves IM. Fans will probably give us a hard time: you are what? No, we are just IM; it is short for instant messaging. Think of all the crap The Who had to put up with over this very point.

As much as I would have to admit it, boy bands do make a lot of money. What about Minudo? Nobody ever remembers them, likely because they are named after a soup. Everybody remembers the Backstreet Boys and N’Sync, but those band members are probably still trying to live that down. Maybe I could combine the ideas with the band name Soup Kitchen Harmony.

Really, I want to be cool enough to be fairly underground, but well known enough to make some money. The Shins are probably a good example. The Flaming Lips also spring to mind. Burning prostrate is right out, even though one in six men will develop prostrate cancer. Just because most people can relate to your name doesn’t mean you want them to. Simmering Subcutaneous fat is out for the same reason. Large and previously untapped market segment potential, but you can fit less of your fans in the venue.

In light of these recent revelations, I’m going to have to keep searching for the perfect band name. Stay tuned, but don’t drop out.